I was assaulted by ambition to make life work. If I tried hard, worked more I could escape the never-ending fear of failure that assaulted my well-being. I never felt enough. I never knew love. In its place I had built my own idea of God. I used intellect and theology to define His character. I didn’t stop to question my heart, but I followed my agenda. I was too busy to discover I didn’t know Him. I was striving too hard to see that I had missed Him.
Quietness and rest were my enemy. If I stopped, I had to feel. If I laid still, I may have to address the empty aching hole that rested deep within. I was at war with the image of any God other than one I had created. But when life failed me and pain rocked me, this faulty system failed too. Religion couldn’t help me, this empty god couldn’t save me.
But it was there I met my King. It was there I was ravaged by His power. For I had been deceived. I had counted on myself to be made right. But in His shelter, I was free. His kindness was my joy. He carried my distress. He settled my perspective.
I didn’t need to work, I only needed to rest. I didn’t need to prove, I only need to be known. I didn’t do anything to deserve this favor. I only gave up the fight. I only let Him in.
I can be empowered and I can trust in God. It’s not up to me to defend myself or prove my merits or right standing. I am defended. I am accounted for. I am already established by Him.
Meditation Point: Moving Towards Hope
Safe is a place where I am free because I am loved, not because I’m good. Safe gives me resources because I need them, not because I earned them.
When I’m struggling with not feeling safe:
I grow exhausted trying to be enough. I don’t know how to receive. I try and fail. I give and give up. I don’t know the key to access you or the methods you use to calm and empower me heart. But I want to know. If I am weak, I fear loss. If I give up striving, I fear that I will fail. Help me to release and receive. To live from your power not my own. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t understand your way. But I want to know. I need to know. I want the treasure in dark places of who you are.
In Jesus name – Amen